[ Sexylicious ] - Memoirs of a Gay-sha.

他们说，我人很坚强，很有男人味，也很厉害扮娘。
我只可以说，他们并不了解我。
我其实.. 比任何人都脆弱.. 只是脆在里面，你们看不到，察觉不到..
我觉得，我最厉害就是演戏，隐瞒，演得没有人知道是在演，这就是演戏的最高境界..
很多时候，没人知道，我心里有多酸痛，多么的悲伤，难过，我仍然有能力保持一面镇定..
我.. 比起大部分的人都还要容易受伤... 我懂，这是很难相信的...
我最厉害，就是妒嫉。很小很不起眼的事情，我也照样会吃醋。
这世界，对我真的有点不公平，但是仔细想想，这世界有什么会是公平的？
你知道吗，我喜欢的女子，差不多全部都是有心上人的，甚至有一些还是一厢情愿的老暗恋，也是放不下，忘不掉。
她们在我面前提起，我也不会做出任何反应，依旧以“你高兴就好！”的态度去面对。她们不知道...
有时候连我自己也不明白，为什么我做人要做得那么好？对我无力的事情我就应该拒绝! 但是，我并没有...
她们叫我帮什么，对我有利，有害，无利，我都不会说不。太单纯了吧..？有一个还托我帮她拿她旧暗恋对象的联络，想起来，我心里有多么不爽？但我还是尽力而为。
不过我也不介意，反正她高兴，我就满足了。
我的人格很不同，不像一般年轻人，交往就比如玩场游戏，玩累了就一了百了，也不顾其他人的感受。对我来说，感情这回事是要永久性的，三分钟热度有什么用？无聊死了。
我对感情是十分认真的，因为我个人希望，我能与我最信赖，最爱，最想在一起的人，走过人生道路。半路下车的，对不起我搞不起！
说到朋友，我的朋友可以说是，少到.. 真的可以算出来！真正能了解我的，一个都没有！稍微了解我的竟然不是我身边的朋友，而是一个我从来没有见过的新加坡女生！因为，她拥有我最需要的依靠，很简单的，就是一个聆听者。你知道吗，一个人心中的苦纳没有人可以陪你承担，是多么痛苦吗？
有时我还会想，他们真的是我的朋友吗？还是我没有那福气？
老实说，我承认，我对朋友的态度其实不是很好，因为我对“朋友”这个词的含义，不见得来简单！
我那么大了，15岁了，连一个好朋友，也没有。真是可悲！
说回我自己，我敢说，我人条件那么棒，学业-运动-音乐-电脑-common sense 都是良好的；虽然我了解，我并不高，不轻，不称得起帅，我至少也有一个人应有的啊！
可是，我偏是少了一件我无论如努力都追求不到的 -- 福气! 我说的是感情朋友方面的！
一个条件那么好的人，为什么会沦落到这种地步？
我承认，我社交能力一点也不好。可能这是我天性就是那样吧。

我渴望，一段真挚的友谊。
我渴望，一线真挚的缘分。
我渴望， 一份纯真的感情。
有那么难吗？对！就是这么难！
你可以说我思想落后，你可以说我不懂这个世界，你也可以说我还年轻，不懂事。
我渴望的，都不过是那么简单，即是那么难！我不渴望物质上的享受，因为我在这方面已经很满足。
我觉得，我的世界冰冷得多。
我需要的伴侣，无论是女朋友或男的，虽然我接下来讲的是我女朋友，但大致上都是一样的。我只要求几个条件。
我需要的是一个能与我分享快乐伤心事的人，一个聆听者，一个能给我的世界带来温暖的人。
我需要的是一个关怀和体谅我的人，对感情认真。
我需要的是一个有志愿的人，不会因困难会挫折而丢下我。 -Faith.Trust
就是那样而已。当然，样貌也是相当重要的！

很多时候，我总觉得，我很孤独...

我看我还是不要写了，等下越写越多隐私。还要很多不可告人的事我都不敢写了。
为什么我要写那么多废话呢？因为我发觉，我已经没有地方可以发表了！
反正，我的blog也不是很公开，知道我的blog的也只有几个，也不是很会看华文的。
我希望，有任何人看了我这则废话过后不要有对我同情之心。我并不需要..

我为什么喜欢你，我自己也无法解释。

Ok so, initially I decided to go for Cambridge instead of going home to watch the volleyball finals until Qi Xuan phoned me the night before asking me to go to Hamid Khan with him, which he apparently claims to be going for "interaction" purpose. Well he wanted to tumpang my bus home, upon arrival he had spag with me, then soon it began to rain so omfg heavily. Despite the rain Richard still insisted on going to Hamid Khan at once, what a despo he is. =/ However since I'm cycling I had to carry his wdfux heavy bag and even got splashed by a car on the way down. Kudos for making me even wetter. T_T

Well after we reached Richard went for his "mission", I simply lurked around waiting for Madeline's sms to escort her from her home. Half an hour later she sms-ed and I left HKhan swiftly and I knew Amanda was at her home beforehand. I had predicted she would snatch my bike for sure and so it happens to be. Ends up I have to walk back! ):

Well Madeline was in the U15 CGL girl's team and they lost to Union this morning, which sadly I wasn't able to witness myself. =(

And so was this match between Batu Maung and Air Itam, Batu Mao won.
And this very obvious final match between HKhan and MARA, c'mon la no need see also know result liao. =.=

And this very epic match between Union and PCGHS. It's some fucking epic match, really. Union lost two consecutive matches, but it was really well played. Too much to elaborate, might as well keep it to myself. =(

And lastly there was this closing ceremony, I chatted with Elisha about his experience volleyball, said bye bye, and I went to wait for Madeline, poor her she had to carry this whole bag of balls ends up she couldn't cycle as she had to walk. Ishh I offered to help but she decline one! I slowly cycled alongside her until we reach her home, and on the way I kept taunting her about Yun Xiang Yun Xiang again and again LOL. After bidding her goodbye I left for home, end of story.

I really like her very much, but I don't know if I should go for it or hold back just yet. Could she be using me? Could it be just my instincts? Is she serious?
Is it really so hard to forget about the past? Why not just move on and appreciate whoever or whatever that goes on in front of you? Humans. Tsk.

Only time can tell.

Man, I've got hooked up by a new genre of music - techno/trance!

The beat keeps me awake, especially when I'm revising awesomely boring yet easy subjects like Science. =D

And fuck it, tomorrow I've got to catch up with all those homework I've owed for like, 1 month? T_T

29th April, 2nd day of the tournament, but it was the first day of our match anyway.

I couldn't remember which group I was in, but my group consists of MARA, PFS and us. It was supposed to be a sure-win group for us until things went unexpectedly sour.

So well, the first match against MARA was totally shit. I can tell from the faces of my fellow team mates (well of course that excludes qi xuan) they're so nervous and panic. Knn I don't know seriously how did we manage to lose until 24-14. A fucking 10 points gap LOL WTH you must be thinking we're losing for sure! And subsequently it was my turn for service. So I don't know if I'm fated or what, I chased, point by point, until a whooping 24-26, we turned the plates and became the leading party. I still remember it was the No.9 of their team who goes all whooped up excited and goes all lanci over my service. Of course, I sent my every service to him and oops, he missed like 6/12 services. What a pity for MARA after they lost. ): Man of the match = me, LOL!

Ok so, there's this 2nd match with PFS, which was undoubtly a VERY simple match, I don't know how things get screwed up and we lost by 30-32. At once, we were even losing by some kind of 18-14 kind of shit, and I managed to chased it back up to 18-19 and turned the tables once again but the whole game gets screwed up by our godly setter who goes totally steamed and I seriously have no idea what's in this mind in that match. After like the 10th point, he goes totally blank minded and starts making undesirable mistakes again and again, setting balls into the net, careless drop balls, reponses extremely slowly, possess very slow reflexes, and ends up screwing more than 15 lost points. Gracias, really. So well, the match ended with the very fucked up me, causing uproar in our team in between me and this ban hin, who goes insulting me right after I left the court. I really felt like giving him a real tight roundhouse flying kick at that moment, why don't he just go in and play himself since he's so good. But things went well after that day, anyways. Oh 1 more thing, there's some point in the match where I made a 2 metre dive to save a ball badly hit by qi xuan, ended up saving the ball in sacrifice of my back. =( it was the main reason of my bad temper and affected my gameplay. Man that dive was so freaking cool if you had seen me do it! - except it hurts my back.

So the following day, 30th April, it has been decided that we'll stay as 2nd place in group and PFS knocked out. And oh fuck it, we were expected to play the 8am opening match with hometeam Hamid Khan, from my point of view, we could've won if we didn't do all the silly mistakes which kept on repeating, especially the setter. Our score was on par with Hamid Khan since the beginning, each side gaining few points and vice versa. And ALWAYS, in the middle of the match, everyone starts to make mistakes and starts losing points by A LOT, screws up the game, and gg, we lost. Honestly, Hamid Khan isn't that strong either. IF, we could've prevented mistakes, IF. Afterall, it was pretty well-played match and ended with a disappointing result. I'm going for the setter position next year after I've perfected my setting skills. WALAO!

P/S: There was this very weird phenomenal thing that happened LOL. Noticed that EVERY match we played, BEFORE we start it's bound to rain, even for ALL 3 matches! I guess this is why people say "风云人物" LOL. Ok maybe it's just too 巧合.

PP/S: If we had won MARA and PFS, would've been facing some lousier malay school and gotten into the semis, god damn it! ARGH!

PPP/S: On wednesday there was this girl from Hamid Khan who asked a boy to get my number for her, I was like, OMG? I actually praised the girl for having good ears for hearing qi xuan saying her friend's fat, and I get this kind of respond. Hmm I must be too attractive. =P
So I gave this guy my number, and until thursday night, halfway through my tuition this girl sms-ed me and asked to be my friend. But sadly I chose to ignore her, and ends the story here. LOL, I wonder how she feels. =(

PPPP/S: On thurs I sort of "escorted" Madeline to Hamid Khan on bike, it was time worth it for helping an old friend. =P oh don't get the wrong idea LOL. Besides I loved the hill road beside her house lane, it was around 600m cycle uphill, it was rather tiring but oh, when you get to the top junction and sped right down, it was some fucking awesome fun LOL! Ok perhaps I've been doing it too many times till I was inquired by Madeline of wth i'm doing around there. =(

PPPPP/S: This should be the last one I think LOL. I feel proud when I'm taller than almost all of my Primary friends, err considering female side only. =x well that is when you can't compare with the boys who're almost 60% of them are taller than you right? T_T

Adios Amigos.

The new age - the Sperm age.

War machines created from the concept of sperms.

Based on their functions, specialties and such.

This top secret technology is still under research and development by Mr. Toon!

:D

I'm such a failure.

I don't believe this. Most of the people I expected last to have girlfriends actually had one, or in progress.

God, why am I so phail? I dare say I have very good criteria, why!

The ones I love, unfortunately are not within my grasp.

Sigh, I guess when the time comes...

Yeah, this economic Crysis brought a lot of Bioshock to Americans that didn't see it coming, but who knows when we'll see the total Fallout from this event. Some say that it's a Far Cry from the Great Depression while others are expressing great F.E.A.R. at the prospect. Despite what anyone thinks, we must answer our Call of Duty to right these economic woes in our civic power of the vote. We can be the lone voice in a World in Conflict. Command and Conquer those who are corrupt amongst our politicians, for in the future is most certainly their Day of Defeat. They are the ones that can be Left 4 Dead. It's almost Unreal the way this country is going. We are experiencing the change needed to EndWar.

Flawless pwn!

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love". Neil Gaiman

"True understanding is deeper in meaning than mere words, and is important for its result, not petty rhetoric. Those who can verbalize their happiness have little happiness to speak of. My love has grown so much that I can't tell even half of it in words". Unknown (paraphrasing William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet)

"An act of love that fails is just as much a part of the divine life as an act of love that succeeds, for love is measured by fullness, not by reception." Harold Loukes

"Love is not enough. It must be the foundation, the cornerstone-but not the complete structure. It is much too pliable, too yielding". Bette Davis (1908-89), U.S. screen actor. The Lonely Life, ch. 19 (1962).

And Einstein's quote-a-day;
It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tomorrow's camp! As I'm not black enough! =(

Kinda miss Cabal, toooooopid school holidays like never "holiday-ed" before!

I've suddenly taken up parkour, as though I don't have enough broken bones! Anyway it's fun chiu know! Especially when you slipped and bang headlong into the wall <3